Becoming American

Bachelor Pad

Several years ago I began to realize that I had been making a number of decisions of my life based in large part on an old set of rules.  I had been living alone with few guests in and out of my apartment for a number of years, but found myself spending a lot of time keeping the place presentable… according to someone else's standards.  Perhaps I was in part trying to keep my way of life maleable to the incorporation of another's, but as I began to settle into my bachelorhood this effort was seeming more and more futile.

I decided I needed to live more in the moment—to create a life based more on how things were at the moment than on how they might become.  Continuing as I had been was putting me at risk of wasting my life away.  I might end up never having lived at all.  The idea of turning around at sixty and seeing a kept life, one of merely keeping my home and myself prepared for the wife that never arrived, drove me to finally living the bachelor's life.  Plus, if I didn't go ahead and live one now, who knows… I might never get another chance. 

So I began to let the dishes and some clutter pile up, stopped showering every single day, stopped cleaning the refrigerator and bathroom (until I had a reason), stopped getting (or trying to get) 7 1/2 to 8 1/2 hours of sleep every single night, and learned a number of things.

dishes

  1. dirt makes good abrasive
  2. some items like jars and bottles can be reused as dishes, etc. then thrown away when the dirt sets in too tenaciously
  3. certain kinds of materials are easier to clean when food sets in (glass and metal instead of plastic); perhaps this has something to do with the fact that I hesitate to use steel whool on plastic
  4. the oven makes a good dish drainer overflow.
  5. filling items with water and covering them helps keep food soft for ease of delayed cleaning.
  6. some items can be kept in the refrigerator or freezer (ice cream bowl, glass for beverages) which keeps them out of the dirty category. (bonus: ice cubes remaining in a glass can be kept for future drinks if you keep the glass in the freezer.)
  7. keeping yourself healthy in case some disease grows on the dirty dishes is always a good idea.
  8. having an open window in winter to keep my kitchen cold is a method I use to ward off the roach population.
  9. the floor is a suitable place to pile dirty dishes when the counters and stovetop fill up (roaches can get all three places just about as easily).
  10. if you keep most of your dishes dirty, breaking a dish has a bright side… now you don't have to wash it.

bathroom

  1. dirt makes good abrasive
  2. the shower curtain hides all the dirt in the shower so you can clean it least of anything in the bathroom until you have overnight guests who want to use it
  3. showering less frequently keeps the shower cleaner longer
  4. most of the real dirt goes down the drains
  5. the purpose of the bathroom is for you to get clean
  6. I have one towel that begins to smell like tortillas the longer I use it
  7. squeezing out your washcloth really well when you're through with it (if you use one) keeps it from getting that slimy feeling so soon
  8. if it is hot you can skip a thorough drying after a shower and stand in front of a fan to both cool and dry off keeping the towel cleaner longer
  9. visiting the toilet before you shower means you can skip the toilet paper
  10. beards cut down on the time you have to spend shaving and shopping for shaving supplies

clothing

  1. an item of clothing doesn't need to be washed until it begins (noticably) to smell or becomes uncomfortably or visibly dirty
  2. an item of clothing can be worn with a stain especially if you can get away with acting like you just noticed it if you spot someone looking at it
  3. socks that release a little cloud of dust when you snap them against your leg are not necessarily ready to be cleaned; it's just a byproduct of not dusting and leaving them lying on the floor
  4. rotating through several shirts and slacks give the impression of wearing cleaner clothes than actual
  5. I hear that turning underwear inside out is a method some use to extend their usefulness between washings
  6. I also hear that Germans wear underwear for eight days between washings
  7. underwear is intended to allow you to wear your outerwear longer
  8. the last time you wear outer clothing items is it really necessary to wear the underwear?
  9. sticking a corner of your handkerchief or a napkin in your collar when eating reduces the possibility of stains on your shirt thus increasing the number of wears between washings

cleaning

  1. keeping your windows open a lot give you an excuse for the accumulation of dust
  2. clutter can hide dirt and dust
  3. major clutter on the floor forces you to become nimble on your feet
  4. I'm sure you have suggestions of your own

good role models

  1. Onslo on Keeping Up Appearances
  2. Dave Lister on Red Dwarf
  3. Oscar Madison on the Odd Couple
  4. Coach McGuirk on Home Movies
  5. The Young Ones  …
  6. Barney Gumble on the Simpsons
  7. Carl  …  on Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Of course an integral part of a modern bachelor's live is television.

[ Something Else >> Outsider >> Bachelor Pad >> Cable TV >> One Less Car ]